Monday, August 07, 2006

Sunday, August 6th, 2006 Happy Birthday Rita

Well, I tried to call Rita to wish her a Happy Birthday, but her phone line was busy for hours. I ended up dialing up her cell phone and being forced to leave her a voice mail. Oh well...I guess she didn't want to talk to me.

I mostly slept and was depressed all day today. I feel particularly disconnected. My family has been less than accepting of me. They are using the fact that I have 4 seahuahuas as the lame excuse. They tell me I can't ever live in a nice place while I have 4 dogs. They say it's a "deal-breaker". What the? What Deal? It seems they all talked about it behind my back and brokered some kind of deal to help me. I didn't ask for any help. Yet, it's a deal breaker if I don't give up 2 of my dogs. They want me to give up the very things I love the most. I won't do it and it's become a sick power play with one of my sisters. One sister says she just doesn't understand how I can say I consider them my "children". I just reply that I know she doesn't understand. I just don't have the energy after all I've been thru to explain that they are the ones that are with me day in, day out. That I am alone most of my life and it comforts me to have my dogs with me. None of my sisters have been alone since they got married and had children. I am alone almost all the time.

Our parents died about 30 years ago. I can guarantee you this...they would not like the way my siblings are acting now. I can almost see my mother's green eyes flash and her pointy arched eyebrow almost hit the ceiling. Yet, here we are. They are trying to bully me into giving up my pups. To what end? What they don't realize is that with all the terrible, bad, horrible stuff that's happened to me, when I really didn't want to go on, it was my dogs that kept me focused. No one will love them the way I do. I stick around to make sure they are OK.

I love my dogs. I won't give them up. So, I spent most of the day trying to convince myself that I don't need a family. To hell with them. How dare they? I plan to move back to Dallas and forget I have siblings. They refuse to accept the fact that there was a family in place 6 years before they were born. To them, the only family that mattered is the one that existed once they were born. I have memories of being an only child for 6 years until they were born. Many things happened. My mother sewed all my pretty dresses. I never left the house without my mother doting on my hair, shoes, and dresses. My father made me little desks, drawing eisels, swings, and gave me transister radios. Anyway, I refuse to let them hurt me. If I let them continue to be able to hurt me, who's the crazy one then? Me. They can play their petty games and reject me and exclude me. I won't care. I guess I can continue to be the only child as I was born. I'm having to be that anyway. It won't be any kind of stretch at this point.

Yep. What a bummer. I sleep most of the day and eat out of lonliness and hurt. Weekends sometimes suck. I'll have a purpose tomorrow when I go to work.

Just to rub salt in the wound, I locked myself out of my house when I went to check on the big dogs. My feet got eaten up by fire ants and my neighbor got in thru an unlocked window and let me in. Just icing on the cake, that was.


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